You can't say I'm fickle because actually I'm just downright loyal;

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I guess it doesn't really help even if I commit suicide now. Today was SUPPOSED TO BE a roaring great day and WAS one till 830 pm. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed in my whole entire life. I don't even have a single inch of face to walk into VJ ever again. And wtf lar I'm sick again, it's the time of the month for me to be sick and no it's not deng. I feel so miserable. Can you like offer me some condolences?

All I want is a humble boy to come and talk to me;

10:23:00 pm

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I met the bag of my life today, it was a zebra. I fell in love with it at first sight and it was so asdklfjasdfjasdklfjsdklj cheap, for Nine West. If it was a year ago I would have ran to the cashier and bought it without a second thought. BUT again, 8 months in VJ have turned me into a kampong galzzzz ( like Sam said, you can't buy anything without thinking ) and we walked away from it SADLY. I swear I could hear my heart breaking.. I want my zebra! ):

I hope no one comments that I look uglier tomorrow. I don't think I can withstand the trauma..

11:07:00 pm

Monday, August 29, 2005

My self-esteem is at an all-time low at the point ( -2734987238947329, -23849823094802348 ). I need to do a reflection in the y and x axis to regain my glamour. After discussing with RT just now, we've decided that the moment you step into VJ you're dead, you will never look good again. Instead, you'll get uglier and uglier until you can't even recognise that troll in the mirror looking back at you. I've also decided that after 8 painful months in a kampong, I look ugly + fat + black. ( AND OMG TODAY WE READ IN CLEO THAT SUNBLOCK HEIGHTENS YOUR RISK OF GETTING SKIN CANCER WE'RE DEAD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SOON ) And since there's no way I can do plastic surgery/ bleach myself, the only way is to lose weight and that's rather impossible too, given the weights/ trainings we are subjected to now. I feel such a deep sense of despair for myself, I think I can rival AQ to be the ugliest girl in school soon. I don't really feel like going back to St Nics anymore. Everyone's going to look so pretty and we're going to present ourselves as the Kampong Galzzzzzzz. YUCKSSSSSSSSS. Life sucks. I deeply resent the fact that we're never going to be pretty again. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

10:25:00 pm

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I'm sorry if I'm being VERY unreasonable but if you're not Ivy you probably won't know why I'm feeling this way but this isn't the way we do it in St Nics I'm not brought up to tolerate this kinda shit. You can say that we're too spoilt but that's that. If we were still in St Nics I wouldn't even have tolerated this for one week. We used to do and say what we felt, without any need to pretend. Don't you find it really tiring to put on an act every single day? You must be inhuman if you don't because I find it a fucking chore to do so. Either that or I'm the inhuman one. This isn't about patience or tolerance anymore. It's nobody's fault when there's a clash of character. And I'm sorry if you don't think I'm NICE enough for your standards because I don't think this is the way to be nice if you'r just going to be cheating other people.

I'm trying my best to avoid a conflict here. Please don't make this any harder for me. Thanks, I really appreciate it.

11:05:00 pm

You spell DAMN IT this way, D-A-M-N I-T.

I almost suffocated to death in school yesterday. School's so constricting I don't think I can live anymore. I was so god damn happy to see Huis and Vee. Huis make me feel so happy I loved talking to you dear even though we could only meet for awhile ( HELLO WHO'S FAULT YOU SKINNY ASS ) I wish you were with me everyday then I'd be so happy I'd make you eat 5 plates of rice everyday so that you'll grow fatter or maybe you can just ask Yucky to protect you HEEHEE. Weekends are such a relief don't you think so?

Training was good with a thumbs up. I so love riding and conquering the Kallang waves with little birdie.

Xiaohong please please please pleaseeeeee rest at home okay and stop reading your econs notes and stop thinking about going out to cut hair. I almost died of shock after training. I don't want you to go blind!

Hello PF! I am EXTREMELY tech-savvy alright so get over the floppy disc thing already. ( sam you too ) Loved your letter! Thanks! (:

This haven't been the best of weeks and I'm really glad it's over. But what's going to come will just get tougher. I really don't want to think of anything anymore, I'm too tired you know. Thinking about all these just saps all your energy. Sometimes I wish I didn't find out about it that day.

And maybe all that I assumed, was non-existent in the first place.

3:03:00 pm

Thursday, August 25, 2005

to you: I'm sorry I really can't click with you, I know I will explode soon one day. I can feel my temper on the rise. I hope it doesn't surface because it's going to be very ugly when it does. It's not your fault and neither is it mine. We're just of different characters, different backgrounds and different worlds. But you didn't have the right to do all that.

and you: I really don't know what to do, and there's nothing I can do. I don't even know what's happening and what's going to happen. I don't want it to happen and yet I want it to. I really hate myself for being like this. I want to shout it out loud but I can't. I just hope history doesn't repeat itself. There's really nothing else I don't want to hear more than those few words. My heart is actually very fragile.

and you: I don't know why I can't talk to you anymore but it just seems to be like this. It's really painful and sad but there's a barrier in between and no one's making an effort to cross it. I think you've changed, but I don't think I'm in any position to say this.

and you: You're a liar and you know it.

If you'r attempting to guess who they are, don't. Because you'll never know. And damn it, stop trying to pretend you know when you don't. Thanks. Quit acting smart and assuming things on your own. You'r just being a pest to me.

And if you'r going to use the crying victim tactic one more time, I'm going to slit my wrist and die.

9:10:00 pm

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

If only I could say it out loud.

9:52:00 pm

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Mel asked me today what do I wonder about.

I wonder why people only learn how to appreciate things after they'r gone, and not cherish whatever that they have now. I wonder why can't we just live the life we want and do the things we want to do, without giving a second thought about what others think. I wonder why the grass is always greener on the other side. I wonder why we can't just live in St Nics forever and ever and never graduate. I wonder why we have to grow up and do PW. I wonder why some people are just so insensitive. I wonder how you can be amidst a stream of laughter and still feel lonely at the same time.

Don't you wonder?

I wish time could stop at our secondary school days. Those were the best days of my life. There's nowhere else on this planet that makes you feel like you can be yourself, without all the pretense and obligations. Nowhere else makes you feel as if you truly belong, where you can say anything you want, where everyone loves you for who you are. Nowhere else feels so much like home.

Vee and Siyou came over today. It was nice showing them around and pointing out to them well-discussed figures. They were secretly impressed by VJ's lifestyle and I really have nothing to say about it.

Life sucks when there's no one to share your problems with. For that, I would like to profess my undying love and gratitude to..

Who else but IPJH: I've really nothing much to say because I've just about said everything that I can say. I wouldn't have survived thus far without you. Thanks for coming over today with Siyou.

YZR: Thankss PF your presence in school really comforts me, you'r always within reach and there for help when needed. You really don't need to do anything about it, just being here to pretend to be a **** expert is enough haha.

DAMN IT. Why are boys so bitchy?

10:48:00 pm

Monday, August 22, 2005

I've really never met anyone as wise as 75 bucks you know. Everytime I'm stumped, by whatever problems ( from English to TV to ANYTHING ) , he's always there to provide ready-made solutions. He's like a Everything For Dummies. There's an analysis, step-by-step solutions and even safety precautions haha. He's a gem you know. Always there for help even if we haven't talked for 374892374892374 years. EVER SO WISE. I like to think of him as a grandfather-figure. HAHAHA. ( I hope he doesn't see this. )

I feel.. rather enlightened. But not really actually. HAIYAH I DON'T KNOW. I'm a confused kid I hope what 75 bucks said works out.

12:07:00 am

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Damn, just when I had such a strong urge to talk to 75 bucks he's nowhere to be found. That ass comes online everyday and he just had to choose today to disappear. I need a wise and worldly talk. 75 bucks is the best option.

DAMN I'm going to be screwed for Chem test again. Chem and me just don't click.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU YOU STUPID 75 BUCKS?

I didn't realise the photo would affect me at all. DAMN. You can say anything, anything you want. Just don't tell me she's pretty okay. She's so fucking not.

I really didn't expect myself to feel so bitter over it. But forget it, it's a chapter closed and forgotten, only to be taken out once in a blue moon to reminisce.

It's really amazing how I can tell Ivy everything, anything in the world. Even the most embarrassing and disgusting things haha. I really would have died without you you know IPJH.

10:24:00 pm

Saturday, August 20, 2005

It's so freaky, it's too much of a coincidence. But it keeps me in check, of the consequences that follows. If only you could do something you really wanted and not care about what others think and what will happen.

My mood is like a rollercoaster. It's always like that when things like this happen.

Talking to Ivy makes me happier. But it doesn't change anything. Damn it, I really don't know what to do.

Ivy = Love

12:44:00 am

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I've been trying you know, maybe not very hard ( I can't seem to make myself do it ) but at least I put in some effort but damn the attempt is not working at all. ( to Vee: think China )

Rahh, and PF you'r supposed to say something to make me feel better you ass! I shan't write notes to you anymore. It's a waste of my paper.

Damn, we're still far away from our HELLO HELLO plan. Only Audrey has achieved it. I reckon she's the strongest girl in school.

I find such strong comfort in the knowledge that St Nics will never be coed. Thank God. I'll be the first one to spray paint Choo's office if she ever dares to even speak of it. Then again, the Victorian spirit is rather heart-warming. Missing St Nics!

10:29:00 pm

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

If you want to know what it's like to be in labour, go to the school gym when the kayakers are having training. I'm not kidding. No, there's a condition: when Shaun Ang is there. OMG HE SUCKSSSSSSS HE KEPT CHEATING US AND MAKING US DO MORE WEIGHTS. My arms are totally MEOW I can't even lift them up. I hate bench press by the way. Bird and I have decided it does serious damages to our body. Only people like Pei can afford to do bench presses. ( HAHA you get the idea )

I've been getting deja vus recently. Deja vus freak me out sometimes, it's so.. uncanny. I had one while eating cheng teng with Xiaohong just now.

DAMN I'm bleeding a river and my backaches are in full swing again. GRRRRR this is one of the days when I hate being a girl.

OMG VS boys are rather crazy and crazy. But coed schools are just.. tacky and uncool. It's like so DUNMAN. ( yucks ) But wearing your VS school badge on your sleeve is equally tacky. I prefer the friday assembly rebellion. It's quite exciting HAHA.

9:35:00 pm

Monday, August 15, 2005

I love the way Huis know I'm sad even when I haven't even told her anything. I think it's ESP. I love the way when sometimes PF knows what I'm thinking too, like the blue-green incident haha. That was so random I think nobody would remember. I love the way Vee understands and thinks the same way that I do on practically every issue. I love moments like these.

I don't think I've ever clocked a worse timing. Damn, this is so demoralising. Why am I running slower and slower?! Miss Pig's gonna run faster than me at the rate I'm going. DAMN IT.

Sometimes when you make a huge enough to be significant decision, you need to think of the consequences beforehand.

I miss pms-ing in St Nics. They don't allow you to do that in VJ. Really, I'm not lying.

When emotions are running high, you know it's time for a Diamond Swim and a Soul Vacation.

I hate it when he scolds me for nothing. DAMN YOU I'm the one rushing PW NOT YOU STOP ASKING ME TO SLEEP WHEN I BLOODY HELL CAN'T. ARE YOU LIKE DEMENTED OR WHAT IT'S NOT AS IF I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP TRAINING WAS ALREADY TIRING ENOUGH I JUST WANT TO DIE ON MY BED NOW AND YOU'R ACCUSING ME OF NOT GOING TO SLEEP. DAMN YOU YOU SUCKER. Try writing the whole written report by yourself and DAMN YOU I HAD TRAINING JUST NOW THAT'S WHY I CAME HOME LATE AND COULDN'T START EARLY. FUCKING ASS.

10:26:00 pm

Friday, August 12, 2005

Damn it, I reckon I'm the most unreasonable, most irritating, most annoying, most disgusting, most _________ ( insert any negative adjective ) person on earth. I swear Jiayan is the nicest nicest nicest NICEST girl on Earth. She's like an angel she's so kind and caring and OMG she's so nice. JONATHAN TOH YOU ASSHOLE IF YOU ASK JIAYAN TO CARRY YOUR BAG FOR YOU AGAIN I'M GOING TO CUT ALL YOUR HAIR OFF, STEAL YOUR LV WALLET AND THROW YOUR RAZR INTO THE DRAIN.

DAMN IT! I feel so bad. I'm such a bad person.

By the way, Tay Hong Xiang where did you disappear to I need to ask you something.

11:23:00 pm

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Why do people always choose to believe the weaker one when things happen?

I've always wondered about that, because that happens to me all the time. But it's the other way round. I've probaby never told anyone this. But I've been fuming from the injustice of it all ever since my sister was born. Everything was MY fault ( according to my grandfather + parents ) the moment she whipped out her secret weapon: TEARS. The moment she opened her mouth to wail, everything would be my damned fault, even if I didn't even touch her. If we fought, it's my fault ( WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE WAY TO YOUR SISTER, SHE'S YOUNGER THAN YOU ) If she fell down, it's my fault. ( WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AFTER HER, YOU'R OLDER YOU SHOULD LOOK AFTER HER ) Even when she blatantly snatches my toys away right under my nose, it's my fault. ( WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE IT TO HER, SHE'S YOUR BLOODY SISTER ) Okay, so they didn't say she was bloody but she was a freaking pain in the ass anyway. I reckon that's where all my hatred for her stemmed from. The only person who knew the truth was my maid, Auntie Lisa. I'll always remember how she would make milo for me and pat my head and said she believed me when I stood there crying.

I've always thought things would be better when I grew up. And boy was I wrong.

I've grown to learn that it's the same, no matter how old you are. People would always believe and take sides with the weaker one when they had to make a choice. Just because she looks more vulnerable ( pathetic ) and even more so when they bring out the tears. That's why I used to detest people who cried. I thought them weak and I told myself never ever to cry in front of anybody. That was the old and naive days. Incidents over the years have proven that the one who cries, will always win. Ever since then, I've been wishing that I could cry as freely and easily as them.

The rationale behind all these still remains a mystery to me. I'll always wonder why I'm always the one getting blamed, even though the truth is on my side. PF once told me it didn't matter if anyone didn't believe you, as long as you know you'r right yourself, it's enough. And I told him that you needed a lot of faith to accomplish it. I don't think I'll ever have enough faith in myself to do that. Because no matter what happens, I'll always be deemed as the aggressor.

Thanks alot Sam, you were the only one who stood by me today. It really meant the world to me. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to break down. <333

Sometimes, I really feel that no one would ever believe me.

Vee is the only one. <333333333333333333

9:39:00 pm

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

PF is so smart he scares me sometimes haha. Still, thanks for listening last night. Cheers and love! (:

But it didn't go away just then. It's still here.

Caught fireworks last night! Pretty things in the sky I love. OH I secretly made a wish then. I kind of hope it doesn't come true but I want it to come true haha. DAMN it lar.

Soup Spoon is what I feel like eating. Chicken Stew plus Caesar Salad. But oh life sucks when cash is in short supply.

Mel is the most neh person on Earth. He's driving everybody crazy with his shoe.

10:45:00 am

Monday, August 08, 2005

YONG ZIRUI WHY ARE YOU NEVER ONLINE NOW YOU ASS. ): CAN YOU TALK TO ME YOU SUCKER I WANNA TALK TO YOU.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is the weirdest show I've ever watched. And Mel's laughter is as abysmal as the film. Totally atrocious.

It's a passing phase.

It's in a moment of weakness.

By the way, Tree Trunk and Twig have just won the Most-Mismatched-Couple-on-Earth award.

7 cold weeks to promos. OH MY GOD.

morbidly gorgeous says:
haha we're girls who .. appear strong but
morbidly gorgeous says:
are not so strong
it would be so much easier if everyone were strangers; says:
haha damn it i knew that long ago
morbidly gorgeous says:
haha what damn it
it would be so much easier if everyone were strangers; says:
it's a weakness of ours
morbidly gorgeous says:
yes
morbidly gorgeous says:
we're very fragile

DAMN IT. I hate being fragile. The protective wall that you built up around you crumbles away instantly in these moments.

I'm sorry for skipping STJ. It's been on my conscience the whole night long.

10:34:00 pm

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I think.. I'm getting very out of hand. Vee is right. All those thoughts should be dispelled, they're FORBIDDEN with a capital FFFFFFFF. DAMN IT I feel like getting a brainwash. It's gnawing at me like a pesky piranha. But the problem is I feel happy. FUCK I sound like a bloody confused crazy demented kid. And truth is I AM. DAMN.

WEUVJIRUIWEYUHGASJGHJKSNVJZXKVHJKSHFSHFUIWERHYWEUIRHWEU
SJDFJSDKLFJLSKDJFKLSDJFKLJKLSDJFKSLDJFKLSDJFKLJSDFKLAJSDLK;FJ

This is how I feel like inside right now.

If only things weren't so complicated.

It's quite scary to realise all of a sudden, that actually you can't click with your good friend all along. I think I'm crazy but for the 2738473289470239 time, I have to say that St Nics is the best, along with all Nickys. ( DAGGERS, FX, NICKYS, and many other individuals )

STJ tomorrow, it's gonna be the last time that the whole team will be together. We all look so happy in the team photo, just like champions. (:

And the dancing mood prevails.

10:24:00 pm

Newsroom was a blast! Finally I've retrieved my long-lost ( 8 months and 7 days ) glamour, vibrance, youth, energy, whatever you name it. Daggers never fail to make my day. ( or night in this case ) Been sooo long since I had such fun like this!

Went down to Newsroom at 10 plus, the bar's not bad ( surprisingly ), except for the fact that the dance floor is a little too tiny but that's what makes it fun, everyone squeezing and bumping around gyrating to the music. Music was good too! Thank god it wasn't like what Peyyann said ( RETRO?! ) Totally loved it when it was Bon Jovi It's My Life. Everyone was just screaming their head off and jumping the platform down. Seriously, the sweat-filled air was damn intoxicating, there's something in it that makes you HIGHHHH, even without the influence of alcohol. The housepour was a total drag, it was like distilled water compared to the Cognac. But all that wasn't the highlight of the day. The pre-party part was damn exciting, with Juice producing the climax of the night by getting bounced with the whole gang! ( HAHAHAHA I SWEAR I WAS SO ELATED I WAS LITERALLY PUNCHING FISTS INTO THE AIR WITH FLOR BEHIND THE PILLAR MOCKING THAT LOSER ) Little treats like these make my spirits soar. Before that we spent like the whole hour trying to get Kiat in. That ass just looks too young to be true. But it was worthed it for everything that was going on inside. We danced the whole night and morning away and I am so worn out my whole body is aching from all that dancing and because there's Gary Chan now I have to forsake my sleep. I'm going to eat all his pizza away later.

DAMN, this party mood won't go away anytime soon.

12:07:00 pm

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Too many things, too many friends, too little time. Things are too overwhelming.

I need a holiday.

1:24:00 am

Friday, August 05, 2005

DAMN, it's been bothering me since that day. Telling some people don't seem to help. Wanted to tell BlingPF in the library today, but there wasn't a chance. DAMN. I really really wish it would go away. I think Shuqi was right about the good friends thing. I wish Shu was still in VJ with us. ): Miss you hell lots Snorlax..

I guess today wasn't a very good day, but we attempted to make it better. Once again, it has been proven that boys are smelly and disgusting. YUCKS.

Too drained to do anything. Especially Newsroom.

I hate horror movies. The photo's been bugging me all the way home.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

11:27:00 pm

Thursday, August 04, 2005

DAMN IT. Yiling just had to say it SO out of the blue when I was feeling so pek cek from the fetching 8k. HUR HUR HURRRRRR it was too sudden and I'M FEELING BITTER ALL OVER AGAIN JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

That run was the worst I ever did.
ARGH SOME THINGS THEY JUST DON'T ALLOW YOU TO FORGET NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY.
I need a platinum chat + ramble.

OH MY HOW I MISS BITCHING WITH FLORENCE LIM THAT ASS. <3333333333333

9:25:00 pm

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I believe I just entered a brothel today for the first and the last time in my overly-illustrious life. It was so damned traumatising I think I might never recover from the fright and shock. I saw one prostitute and many mamasans. OH MY, how I hate that damned forsaken place.

There's something bothering me. It sucks when you can't get it out of your system. I've always believed that if you don't talk to people about your problems, you'll break down one fine day.

They say there's a connection between crisis and people.

Okay damn no one knows what I'm talking about anyway. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Dear Daggers [ Chengs, Huis, Flor, Kiat ], I can't tell you just how much I miss all of you. You all were the people I loved most. We got through being bitchy together in Sec 2; we got through all the clique problems in Sec 3; we got through the seperation in Sec 4 and still managed it thus far. But how the hell do I hate us getting all split up over Singapore. The bad and the good times we had together. FUCK I MISS YOU ALL YOU SUCKERS. ASFJASKDFJSLDKFJSLKDFJS I'm feeling all angsty that I'm stuck in East Coast, Huis is in Harbourfront, Kiat is in Buona Vista, Flor is in Toa Payoh and Chengs is in Bukit Timah.

I really don't feel up for Newsroom. I don't get the thrill and excitement from chionging anymore. I'm being so fetching domestified into a KAMPONG VICTORIAN. I don't feel as young and robust enough to chiong the whole night. Seriously, I think I'll just fall asleep on the dance floor and get trampled on. Anyway I think I'd be aching too much from morning training to even make my way there. BUT BUT BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT I'll get to meet my beloved DAGGERS there. RAHHHHHH this is so frustrating. ):

I need some Poifull and Squirts to cheer myself up.

[edited at 9.36 PM] AT THIS POINT OF TIME, THE PERSON I WANT TO KILL MOST IS TAY HONG SIANG YOU BETTER NOT COME TO SCHOOL TOMORROW I'M GOING TO SLAUGHTER YOU INTO 3842374037984732473 PIECES. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL GARY CHAN ALL THAT I'M POSITIVELY SEETHING WITH ANGST AND HATE.I HATE YOU YOU ASSHOLE! [/edit]

[edit edit]

From Chengs: my handphone loves it when you sms, his little face lights up, burst into beeps and has your name written all over it. I think you should sms me all the time. :P

Okay so the :P was damn gay and lian lian but it's okay, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. HEEHEE YOU'R SO HOT AND CUTE. I'm going to HC one day to eradicate all the ugly bitches who bitch about you. They're just ugly spinsters who are jealous of your hot ass. HEEHEE LOVE <3333333333333

[/edit edit]

This entry is so lengthy. I love Chengs by the way.

8:59:00 pm

Monday, August 01, 2005

HAHAHA OMG TAY HONG XIANG AMUSES ME LIKE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is highly amusing reading all his blog entries and looking at his VERY FEEBLE attempt to act BITCHY. He's an assssss by the way. Especially when Jon and Mel are around. Gosh I still can't believe that's the Xiaohong we know now. The 2004 Xiaohong was so TOTALLY YUCKS. I would have laughed my ass off and mocked you till you died if I read your entries and typing then. By the way, anyone who calls me Susan/ Susie/ Sally. Please, just die. And that applies to TAY HONG XIANG YOU ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

11:01:00 pm